"And Jesus Wept"

My heart is so heavy today. I did a routine CT scan yesterday, and the images look worse than they did in April of this year. A few new tumors, and a tiny bit of growth from existing tumors. My husband, my oncologist and I came to the conclusion that the chemotherapy I was taking (Votrient) wasn't working. It may not have worked this whole time, and have just been lucky that it's grown super slow this last year and a half. There were a few exceptions of some random fast growing ones that were eventually surgically removed.

I can be mad at God for allowing me to get my hopes up for good results. I can blame myself for not doing enough, for all the missed steps, or if I made a wrong choice somewhere on this journey. I can blame doctors for not knowing everything, for making mistakes.. I can blame all I want, but what good does that do? Sitting in resentment and anger isn't serenity, and isn't serenity the goal?

In reality, God gave me peace up until the moment the doctor walked in and said "they're worse". I have had so much PTSD and "scanxiety" in past where I could barely function as a human being for a whole 7-14 days. It only takes one time to be told that the mass you have in your body is cancerous and be stuck with this fear that for every scan after would be bad. It doesn't help that the statistics for someone with Synovial Sarcoma to survive are very, very low.

Somehow God knew that I'd need to feel safe and calm this last week or so because I'd need time after the results to be strong enough to get through this grieving. There's no point in worrying until there's something to worry about.  I think if I'd been worrying and panicking the last two weeks over scan results, I wouldn't have the energy to fight through this... again. I'd need the strength to be sad but be at peace and ask "What would you have me do today, Lord?" "What have I yet still to learn from this trail, Lord?" For those of you who have trials (which would be all of you reading this), know exactly how hard that is to do.

Within the New Testament, it is noted that even Jesus Christ wept after he was told that Lazarus was dead. He knew everything would be alright in the end, but was still sad. He knew the Father's plan perfectly, but still grieved over his friend. This helps me to allow myself to be sad. Cancer is a terrible disease, I worry about leaving my three little boys behind. The thought of someone having to describe why mama won't wake up again just breaks me. The thought of leaving my sweet, caring husband behind to care for our children and figure out what would be next - strikes me to my core. I'm not worried about death at all - I know that death is not the end. Death sounds wonderful if it means that I would be cancer and pain free for the rest of forever, but I'd sure rather stick it out and continue to be an earthly mother to my children. A wife to my husband. Live a normal, long life.

Expectations are my enemy. Almost every day, I have to go through a process of letting go of any expectations I have for the day and throw them out. If I let go of my plans for my life, I can let God more fully guide me through the beautiful path of life that he has set out for me.  For someone like me who can't see the future and isn't perfect, why would it be better for me to follow how I want to do things? lol. God is the only one who knows all - He is the beginning and the end.  God is perfect and doesn't make mistakes, meaning everything that happens in this life (yes, even cancer) has a purpose. It is our job to find God through those trials, so He can show us the other side of the mountain. If there wasn't pain, there would be no joy.

If we didn't have trials and hardships, we would never grow.. and that's because we have mortal bodies that naturally believe that they know best. Humility is not included in our programming - it is something we have to learn and re-learn every day. 1. We can't 2. He can 3. He will.

We have to let go of our wishes and desires of this life to fully embrace what could be our journey to eternal happiness and exaltation. "This life is the time to prepare to meet God" (Alma 12:24) This life is not the time to live out our fantasies and feel good all the time - we are not entitled to anything. We cannot waste our time here on Earth living out fantasies and worshiping those things that makes us feel good in the moment. Avoiding growth and pain, only drags it out and makes it worse - take this from someone who knows what that's like.

I'd like to think that going through this cancer isn't just for my own growth, even though, I've learned so much over the last three years of battling this beast. Cancer may kill my body, but brought me to Christ, and it is through Him that my soul is saved. Many people have reached out to me to say that my life and living testimony has inspired them, and have strengthened their own testimonies. If it is by the will and power of God that I continue to suffer through this disease to help uplift and serve my brothers and sisters in this life, then I will be happy to do so in the name of our Savior, Jesus Christ.

I feel moved to continue sharing my testimony with all of you in written words, and so, I will as I am inspired to do so.

xo - Becky Flo