Ask, and Ye Shall Receive

I feel like the last week has been a real roller coaster of emotions. To be called by my oncologist on Friday and be told that the clinical trial I applied for has been "indefinitely" paused, really threw me through a loop. With all the peace and comfort that I had with traveling for treatment - why wasn't it happening like I was planning it would? WHY?! 

The idea that there aren't any other clinical trials doing Spear T-Cell treatments specifically for my cancer and we have no idea if any others will open up any time soon, made me question all of the "inspiration" and "comfort" that I'd felt. Then, then I get the "inspiration" to wait to take medicine to perhaps at least stabilize this stupid disease. God, are you out of your mind?! I literally felt insane. 

My sweet Matthew, read a scripture that spoke to him when he was doing his regular nightly scripture study - Alma 58:11 and it reads:

"Yea and it came to pass that the Lord our God did visit us with assurances that he would deliver us; yea insomuch that he did speak peace unto our souls, and did grant unto us great faith, and did cause us that we should hope for our deliverance in him."

I love the idea that the Lord didn't take the Laminates out of that situation when the Army of Helaman was really feeling worn down,; Instead they were delivered in God and were able to withstand the trial placed before them. 

When I called my oncologist back today to tell him that I didn't want to take the next suggested chemotherapy, but would like to wait a month - off treatment - and then do scans and see where we're at, it was hard to stick with the peace and comfort I'd been given to wait. It's always hard to hear that the disease you're diagnosed with has no cure, and is nasty, and people don't usually survive it. The chances of me beating this disease looked so small, as I cried, trying to let Dr. Fair know I was balling my eyes out on the other end of the phone. "If there was something out there that was a better, worthwhile medicine to help fight this, we'd be doing it already." He assured me. "Right now, we've tried all there is to try that we've so far found successful to treat soft tissue synovial sarcoma."

My mind raced with a lot of "what if's". What if he's just too young and doesn't know about all of the possibilities? What if there's one out there that he just doesn't know about, or he doesn't have the right connections? What if this means God wants me to get a second opinion because my Dr. isn't the right one for me? What if he's like what people on the internet with Facebook PhD's that think oncologists are keeping information from me, only to make money off my death? Yeah... some of the what-if's got a little crazy.

He ended our conversation with "making memories with your family.. you're feeling well and want to wait a month and then decide.. that's what I would do, honestly, if I were in the same position. I fully support your decision." This was heartfelt, I knew he meant it. I cried more, and more. I couldn't calm myself to breathe normally. I felt so confused... and a bit battered. I called Matthew saying that we should look at getting a second opinion at MD Anderson in Houston, Texas and requested that he help me get that set up. After getting off the phone with him, I still felt confused and disjointed.

The thought "ask and ye shall receive" came straightaway into my mind. I'm not the best at personal, formal prayers with God, but I had nothing else to lose... so why not? I bent myself in half, folding my arms, placing them on my computer desk (yes, I'm currently in my basement office), and resting my head on my arms. Still crying, and trying to make sure I still knew how to breath, I exclaimed "Oh God, I have no idea what the heck I'm doing! I do, however, have faith that Thou wouldst give me an answer if I ask for truths to be made known unto me."

So, I began: "Is it true that I made the right decision in telling my doctor I'd like to postpone treatment at this time". I got a distinct, soft, quite, "yes". I wondered if I was just telling myself what I wanted to hear.. but continued anyway, "Is it true that it would be in my best interest to get a second opinion at a different Sacroma Center?" His reply wasn't clear, but it was as if he said "Errmmm..." (basically a not-so-much kind of answer). I decided to ask one more question before deciding if I was crazy or not, "Is it true that a clinical trial or T-Cell therapy is what will heal my body?" The same answer came as before "yes", with a soft quiet peace to follow. Then, I had to ask "Is this really you, or is this just me telling myself what I want to hear?". The answer I got, was definitely not me - and felt sure and confident, as I was neither of those things: "Yes, my daughter. You're doing great, you've got this." 

More tears, more crying. I spent some time praising God and sending gratitude for His love and guidance. I still question His methods sometimes. lol. My human mind just can't seem to comprehend His greatness, I guess. I have no idea what grand plan He has for me, but I can only hope to know that it's there and that it will be better than anything I could plan for myself. I closed the prayer, asking for additional comfort - to feel the warmth of His arms around me so that I wouldn't feel so alone. The comfort and peace came. I had the same calm feelings, the same serenity, that I had, had before my oncologist called on Friday.

I still have temptations to doubt what I heard and felt this afternoon. Temptations to make myself believe that it was just all in my head... but the peace pushes through - and in a way, lovingly overrides the confusion and doubt. The faith, the asking, allowed me to receive and open up to have God with me. When the doubts come, because they still come, I know that the peace and rest He assures me can override anything that isn't true. 

Christ has already won the battle - His peace and His love has conquered all. We're just waiting for everything to unfold at this point. There is a plan and a purpose for all things. Through Him, I can find peace and tranquility - I can have a little bit of Heaven here on earth - I can have Christ with me, I don't have to push Him away. He can stay, and I do not have to fear or be afraid of what is to come.

I know that if God says it's true, then it's true. I know that He will not lead me astray. This trial is far from over, but I do not fear the outcome. I know God is with me. 

I bear witness of all these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.