Take the Leap

Faith has always been a tricky subject for me. In the past, my faith would waver up and down, and up and down. Starting out as a child, I went to church because that's what my parents did. I prayed to God, because my parents did. It became "uncool" to stay true to the faith as a youth - and what teenager would want to be an outcast? When I went away to college, going to church and saying prayers had me thinking "What am I really doing?"  It all felt... empty.The emptiness would stick to me. It was as if I was "addicted" to finding things that were easy, accepted among peers, things that got me attention, things that would fill me up for the moment. And with addiction, it's just a big 'ol giant spiral downwards until the addict will crash and burn at some point, right?. Some keep at it, because it's all they've known and climbing out of a pit they've dug for themselves is really hard.  Some will hit rock bottom and say "enough is enough", but they’re still a blank slate. 

I still felt "empty", even when I decided that I want to be better. I needed to find things to fill myself with, and in today's world, there are a lot of options out there. In my opinion, and through mine own experience, there is only one thing that can fill me - and is a constant, and reliable source of everything I need to live. To live and to thrive.

I love the beautiful story that is shared in John 4:6-15:

6 ​Now Jacob’s well was there. Jesus therefore, being wearied with ​his​ journey, sat thus on the well: ​and​ it was about the sixth hour.​​​
7 ​There cometh a woman of Samaria to draw water: Jesus saith unto her, Give me to drink.
​​​8 ​(For his disciples were gone away unto the city to buy meat.)
​​​9 ​Then saith the woman of Samaria unto him, How is it that thou, being a Jew, askest drink of me, which am a woman of Samaria? for the Jews have no dealings with the ​​​Samaritans​.
​​​10 ​Jesus answered and said unto her, If thou knewest the ​​​gift​ of God, and who it is that saith to thee, Give me to drink; thou wouldest have asked of him, and he would have given thee ​​​living water​.
​​​11 ​The woman saith unto him, Sir, thou hast nothing to draw with, and the well is deep: from whence then hast thou that living water?
​​​12 ​Art thou greater than our father Jacob, which gave us the well, and drank thereof himself, and his children, and his cattle?
​​​13 ​Jesus answered and said unto her, Whosoever drinketh of this water shall thirst again:
​​​14 ​But whosoever drinketh of the water that I shall give him shall never ​​​thirst​; but the water that I shall give him shall be in him a well of water ​​​springing up​ into ​​​everlasting life​.
​​​15 ​The woman saith unto him, Sir, give me this water, that I thirst not, neither come hither to draw.

The only thing I need, the only option I have to survive this human life is our Savior and Redeemer, Jesus Christ the Lord. As I said before, I’ve tried many other things that filled my life temporarily, but wasn’t satisfying. The excitement and “fun” was never satisfying.

In Alma 41:10-11 it reads:

10 Do not suppose, because it has been spoken concerning restoration, that ye shall be restored from sin to happiness. Behold, I say unto you, wickedness never was happiness.

11 And now, my son, all men that are in a state of nature, or I would say, in a carnal state, are in the gall of bitterness and in the bonds of iniquity; they are without God in the world, and they have gone contrary to the nature of God; therefore, they are in a state contrary to the nature of happiness.

It stings, that I’m human and so I naturally don’t want to hear that I have to submit to someone in a higher state than I am in. I don’t like to admit that my natural desires are wrong - or even better - will never be fully satisfied. But to deny the fact that I can’t make it without God, only will add to and prolong my misery. And think of this - when I’m worried about lowering myself to allow God’s will to take effect in my life - I have to remember it was He, even Jesus Christ who sank below even the lowest of lows so that everyone, yeah - even me - could live with God again.

Now, back to the faith part. Is my faith constantly as strong as it appears to be? Absolutely, 100% not. Just like everyone else, I’m here to be tried and tested to choose God everyday. And, when my natural desires are completely set up to oppose God... well, there’s gonna be mistakes and slip ups. A lot of mistakes and slip ups. Thank goodness for the idea that there is a merciful God that actually cares for me, and made a plan for me to not damn myself to stupidity and endless torment for the rest of my very long, eternal existence.

How do I build faith? What has helped me get to where I am, and have been building blocks to help me get to where I want to be? Well, when I made it so I felt like a blank slate, and had nothing else to lose, I prayed. And I despised praying, especially kneeling to pray. (Not gonna lie, the kneeling part is still hard for me.. but I’ll get there. I’ll get there eventually. Lol) I mean, how are you even supposed to have a relationship with someone who we’ve never seen before? What on earth do I even say? I felt so inadequate talking to someone who is perfect and all-knowing - wouldn’t he know what I was going to say anyway?

My husband lovingly suggested (he’s better at the prayer thing than I am) that I pray to have faith.. to have faith. BOOM, there it was. And I hated that. I eventually got over it... but I took some time just to sit and hate the idea of humility. Hate my own humanity because of my dumb pride. Then eventually surrender to the inevitable that I’d have to give up that very pride if I wanted to survive mortality and the rest of eternity. 

Having faith to me is like standing on the edge of a beautiful, warm inviting ocean. While I’ve been told that the water is perfectly safe and wonderful, its hard to believe because I can’t see through the water, and it’s gonna take a little bit of a leap to get to the water safely. Exercising faith, to me, looks like jumping off that edge. The “cliff” could be higher sometimes than others, but the “thrill”,and wonder will always be there when I’m about to hit the water. 

Let me say this - there has never been a time in my life where I regretted taking that leap of faith into the water. I’m always happily surprised when the water will “catch” me, take me into it’s arms and leaves me filled with the feeling of being brave - like I’ve accomplished something scary or hard.

Again, sometimes the cliff I’m on is familiar or not as scary as others that I’ve leapt off from. Being vulnerable to God’s will doesn’t always have to take huge amounts to build on the tiny bit of faith I’ve been working on. 

I feel like I’ve been jumping off mountains lately. Cancer... no sure treatments at this point... sarcoma is rare and hard to cure.... whew. That’s a lot to take in. 

These days, I’ve been praying to have a fond relationship with God - like, why don’t I feel like he’s a dear friend that I’ve known for years? When I eventually die, I could be able to say “Oh, I know you!” Well, I could say that anyway.. but onward to my theme I’m going for here...

I’m learning to have a relationship with God, and my Savior, Jesus Christ. It goes slow, and will take time to grow, as most solid relationships do. And that’s ok with me. I’m happy to not have to move faster than I can run. I’ve started from blank to overfilled with love and joy for God and Christ!

Now, I give my testimony. My heart feels like it’s going to EXPLODE, so I’ve gotta get this down.

There is not a fiber in my whole being that doubts that we all, who came to Earth, kept our first estate and chose Christ in the life before. I have no doubt that we were gifted with the opportunity and privilege to come to Earth, gain and train human bodies, and to choose Christ even with all the super tempting temptations in this world. There is no question that there is life after death - that we are eternal beings whose true home is not on this earth and that families can be forever

Choose God. Choose Christ. Even if it’s hard right now, it will get better. We cannot have joy if we do not know what pain is. We cannot grow and become better, unless we face our imperfections and our mistakes - our hurts. Christ drank the most bitter cup of all - going through everything what each and every person would have to endure so He can have perfect empathy and understanding for us. Sure, we have bitter cups to drink (hello cancer lady here), but know that there is an end to the bitterness. Christ rose above the chains of death so that we too, could partake of eternal life. This life will only be but a second - one night’s dream’s worth of time - compared to everyone’s eternal existence. Being human, doing hard things forever is not our fate - there are much better things ahead. 

Have courage, and take faith. Carry on, press forward. Work hard now, play hard later. It’s not going to be easy, but it will be so worth it. I know these things to be true, and I’m thankful for this testimony that gives me peace. I say these things in the name of our Redeemer, Jesus Christ. Amen. 

xo - Becky Flo