Ask, and Ye Shall Receive

I feel like the last week has been a real roller coaster of emotions. To be called by my oncologist on Friday and be told that the clinical trial I applied for has been "indefinitely" paused, really threw me through a loop. With all the peace and comfort that I had with traveling for treatment - why wasn't it happening like I was planning it would? WHY?! 

The idea that there aren't any other clinical trials doing Spear T-Cell treatments specifically for my cancer and we have no idea if any others will open up any time soon, made me question all of the "inspiration" and "comfort" that I'd felt. Then, then I get the "inspiration" to wait to take medicine to perhaps at least stabilize this stupid disease. God, are you out of your mind?! I literally felt insane. 

My sweet Matthew, read a scripture that spoke to him when he was doing his regular nightly scripture study - Alma 58:11 and it reads:

"Yea and it came to pass that the Lord our God did visit us with assurances that he would deliver us; yea insomuch that he did speak peace unto our souls, and did grant unto us great faith, and did cause us that we should hope for our deliverance in him."

I love the idea that the Lord didn't take the Laminates out of that situation when the Army of Helaman was really feeling worn down,; Instead they were delivered in God and were able to withstand the trial placed before them. 

When I called my oncologist back today to tell him that I didn't want to take the next suggested chemotherapy, but would like to wait a month - off treatment - and then do scans and see where we're at, it was hard to stick with the peace and comfort I'd been given to wait. It's always hard to hear that the disease you're diagnosed with has no cure, and is nasty, and people don't usually survive it. The chances of me beating this disease looked so small, as I cried, trying to let Dr. Fair know I was balling my eyes out on the other end of the phone. "If there was something out there that was a better, worthwhile medicine to help fight this, we'd be doing it already." He assured me. "Right now, we've tried all there is to try that we've so far found successful to treat soft tissue synovial sarcoma."

My mind raced with a lot of "what if's". What if he's just too young and doesn't know about all of the possibilities? What if there's one out there that he just doesn't know about, or he doesn't have the right connections? What if this means God wants me to get a second opinion because my Dr. isn't the right one for me? What if he's like what people on the internet with Facebook PhD's that think oncologists are keeping information from me, only to make money off my death? Yeah... some of the what-if's got a little crazy.

He ended our conversation with "making memories with your family.. you're feeling well and want to wait a month and then decide.. that's what I would do, honestly, if I were in the same position. I fully support your decision." This was heartfelt, I knew he meant it. I cried more, and more. I couldn't calm myself to breathe normally. I felt so confused... and a bit battered. I called Matthew saying that we should look at getting a second opinion at MD Anderson in Houston, Texas and requested that he help me get that set up. After getting off the phone with him, I still felt confused and disjointed.

The thought "ask and ye shall receive" came straightaway into my mind. I'm not the best at personal, formal prayers with God, but I had nothing else to lose... so why not? I bent myself in half, folding my arms, placing them on my computer desk (yes, I'm currently in my basement office), and resting my head on my arms. Still crying, and trying to make sure I still knew how to breath, I exclaimed "Oh God, I have no idea what the heck I'm doing! I do, however, have faith that Thou wouldst give me an answer if I ask for truths to be made known unto me."

So, I began: "Is it true that I made the right decision in telling my doctor I'd like to postpone treatment at this time". I got a distinct, soft, quite, "yes". I wondered if I was just telling myself what I wanted to hear.. but continued anyway, "Is it true that it would be in my best interest to get a second opinion at a different Sacroma Center?" His reply wasn't clear, but it was as if he said "Errmmm..." (basically a not-so-much kind of answer). I decided to ask one more question before deciding if I was crazy or not, "Is it true that a clinical trial or T-Cell therapy is what will heal my body?" The same answer came as before "yes", with a soft quiet peace to follow. Then, I had to ask "Is this really you, or is this just me telling myself what I want to hear?". The answer I got, was definitely not me - and felt sure and confident, as I was neither of those things: "Yes, my daughter. You're doing great, you've got this." 

More tears, more crying. I spent some time praising God and sending gratitude for His love and guidance. I still question His methods sometimes. lol. My human mind just can't seem to comprehend His greatness, I guess. I have no idea what grand plan He has for me, but I can only hope to know that it's there and that it will be better than anything I could plan for myself. I closed the prayer, asking for additional comfort - to feel the warmth of His arms around me so that I wouldn't feel so alone. The comfort and peace came. I had the same calm feelings, the same serenity, that I had, had before my oncologist called on Friday.

I still have temptations to doubt what I heard and felt this afternoon. Temptations to make myself believe that it was just all in my head... but the peace pushes through - and in a way, lovingly overrides the confusion and doubt. The faith, the asking, allowed me to receive and open up to have God with me. When the doubts come, because they still come, I know that the peace and rest He assures me can override anything that isn't true. 

Christ has already won the battle - His peace and His love has conquered all. We're just waiting for everything to unfold at this point. There is a plan and a purpose for all things. Through Him, I can find peace and tranquility - I can have a little bit of Heaven here on earth - I can have Christ with me, I don't have to push Him away. He can stay, and I do not have to fear or be afraid of what is to come.

I know that if God says it's true, then it's true. I know that He will not lead me astray. This trial is far from over, but I do not fear the outcome. I know God is with me. 

I bear witness of all these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen. 

Take the Leap

Faith has always been a tricky subject for me. In the past, my faith would waver up and down, and up and down. Starting out as a child, I went to church because that's what my parents did. I prayed to God, because my parents did. It became "uncool" to stay true to the faith as a youth - and what teenager would want to be an outcast? When I went away to college, going to church and saying prayers had me thinking "What am I really doing?"  It all felt... empty.The emptiness would stick to me. It was as if I was "addicted" to finding things that were easy, accepted among peers, things that got me attention, things that would fill me up for the moment. And with addiction, it's just a big 'ol giant spiral downwards until the addict will crash and burn at some point, right?. Some keep at it, because it's all they've known and climbing out of a pit they've dug for themselves is really hard.  Some will hit rock bottom and say "enough is enough", but they’re still a blank slate. 

I still felt "empty", even when I decided that I want to be better. I needed to find things to fill myself with, and in today's world, there are a lot of options out there. In my opinion, and through mine own experience, there is only one thing that can fill me - and is a constant, and reliable source of everything I need to live. To live and to thrive.

I love the beautiful story that is shared in John 4:6-15:

6 ​Now Jacob’s well was there. Jesus therefore, being wearied with ​his​ journey, sat thus on the well: ​and​ it was about the sixth hour.​​​
7 ​There cometh a woman of Samaria to draw water: Jesus saith unto her, Give me to drink.
​​​8 ​(For his disciples were gone away unto the city to buy meat.)
​​​9 ​Then saith the woman of Samaria unto him, How is it that thou, being a Jew, askest drink of me, which am a woman of Samaria? for the Jews have no dealings with the ​​​Samaritans​.
​​​10 ​Jesus answered and said unto her, If thou knewest the ​​​gift​ of God, and who it is that saith to thee, Give me to drink; thou wouldest have asked of him, and he would have given thee ​​​living water​.
​​​11 ​The woman saith unto him, Sir, thou hast nothing to draw with, and the well is deep: from whence then hast thou that living water?
​​​12 ​Art thou greater than our father Jacob, which gave us the well, and drank thereof himself, and his children, and his cattle?
​​​13 ​Jesus answered and said unto her, Whosoever drinketh of this water shall thirst again:
​​​14 ​But whosoever drinketh of the water that I shall give him shall never ​​​thirst​; but the water that I shall give him shall be in him a well of water ​​​springing up​ into ​​​everlasting life​.
​​​15 ​The woman saith unto him, Sir, give me this water, that I thirst not, neither come hither to draw.

The only thing I need, the only option I have to survive this human life is our Savior and Redeemer, Jesus Christ the Lord. As I said before, I’ve tried many other things that filled my life temporarily, but wasn’t satisfying. The excitement and “fun” was never satisfying.

In Alma 41:10-11 it reads:

10 Do not suppose, because it has been spoken concerning restoration, that ye shall be restored from sin to happiness. Behold, I say unto you, wickedness never was happiness.

11 And now, my son, all men that are in a state of nature, or I would say, in a carnal state, are in the gall of bitterness and in the bonds of iniquity; they are without God in the world, and they have gone contrary to the nature of God; therefore, they are in a state contrary to the nature of happiness.

It stings, that I’m human and so I naturally don’t want to hear that I have to submit to someone in a higher state than I am in. I don’t like to admit that my natural desires are wrong - or even better - will never be fully satisfied. But to deny the fact that I can’t make it without God, only will add to and prolong my misery. And think of this - when I’m worried about lowering myself to allow God’s will to take effect in my life - I have to remember it was He, even Jesus Christ who sank below even the lowest of lows so that everyone, yeah - even me - could live with God again.

Now, back to the faith part. Is my faith constantly as strong as it appears to be? Absolutely, 100% not. Just like everyone else, I’m here to be tried and tested to choose God everyday. And, when my natural desires are completely set up to oppose God... well, there’s gonna be mistakes and slip ups. A lot of mistakes and slip ups. Thank goodness for the idea that there is a merciful God that actually cares for me, and made a plan for me to not damn myself to stupidity and endless torment for the rest of my very long, eternal existence.

How do I build faith? What has helped me get to where I am, and have been building blocks to help me get to where I want to be? Well, when I made it so I felt like a blank slate, and had nothing else to lose, I prayed. And I despised praying, especially kneeling to pray. (Not gonna lie, the kneeling part is still hard for me.. but I’ll get there. I’ll get there eventually. Lol) I mean, how are you even supposed to have a relationship with someone who we’ve never seen before? What on earth do I even say? I felt so inadequate talking to someone who is perfect and all-knowing - wouldn’t he know what I was going to say anyway?

My husband lovingly suggested (he’s better at the prayer thing than I am) that I pray to have faith.. to have faith. BOOM, there it was. And I hated that. I eventually got over it... but I took some time just to sit and hate the idea of humility. Hate my own humanity because of my dumb pride. Then eventually surrender to the inevitable that I’d have to give up that very pride if I wanted to survive mortality and the rest of eternity. 

Having faith to me is like standing on the edge of a beautiful, warm inviting ocean. While I’ve been told that the water is perfectly safe and wonderful, its hard to believe because I can’t see through the water, and it’s gonna take a little bit of a leap to get to the water safely. Exercising faith, to me, looks like jumping off that edge. The “cliff” could be higher sometimes than others, but the “thrill”,and wonder will always be there when I’m about to hit the water. 

Let me say this - there has never been a time in my life where I regretted taking that leap of faith into the water. I’m always happily surprised when the water will “catch” me, take me into it’s arms and leaves me filled with the feeling of being brave - like I’ve accomplished something scary or hard.

Again, sometimes the cliff I’m on is familiar or not as scary as others that I’ve leapt off from. Being vulnerable to God’s will doesn’t always have to take huge amounts to build on the tiny bit of faith I’ve been working on. 

I feel like I’ve been jumping off mountains lately. Cancer... no sure treatments at this point... sarcoma is rare and hard to cure.... whew. That’s a lot to take in. 

These days, I’ve been praying to have a fond relationship with God - like, why don’t I feel like he’s a dear friend that I’ve known for years? When I eventually die, I could be able to say “Oh, I know you!” Well, I could say that anyway.. but onward to my theme I’m going for here...

I’m learning to have a relationship with God, and my Savior, Jesus Christ. It goes slow, and will take time to grow, as most solid relationships do. And that’s ok with me. I’m happy to not have to move faster than I can run. I’ve started from blank to overfilled with love and joy for God and Christ!

Now, I give my testimony. My heart feels like it’s going to EXPLODE, so I’ve gotta get this down.

There is not a fiber in my whole being that doubts that we all, who came to Earth, kept our first estate and chose Christ in the life before. I have no doubt that we were gifted with the opportunity and privilege to come to Earth, gain and train human bodies, and to choose Christ even with all the super tempting temptations in this world. There is no question that there is life after death - that we are eternal beings whose true home is not on this earth and that families can be forever

Choose God. Choose Christ. Even if it’s hard right now, it will get better. We cannot have joy if we do not know what pain is. We cannot grow and become better, unless we face our imperfections and our mistakes - our hurts. Christ drank the most bitter cup of all - going through everything what each and every person would have to endure so He can have perfect empathy and understanding for us. Sure, we have bitter cups to drink (hello cancer lady here), but know that there is an end to the bitterness. Christ rose above the chains of death so that we too, could partake of eternal life. This life will only be but a second - one night’s dream’s worth of time - compared to everyone’s eternal existence. Being human, doing hard things forever is not our fate - there are much better things ahead. 

Have courage, and take faith. Carry on, press forward. Work hard now, play hard later. It’s not going to be easy, but it will be so worth it. I know these things to be true, and I’m thankful for this testimony that gives me peace. I say these things in the name of our Redeemer, Jesus Christ. Amen. 

xo - Becky Flo 

Priority Check

On Saturday evening, I had the privilege and pleasure to attend a special devotional for all young married couples, 35 years and under, hosted by the Sunset Ridge Stake in West Jordan. This was a six-stake wide event, and we had an area seventy, Mark P. Durham and his wife, present as well as Elder Quentin L. Cook and his wife. *Cool side note: apparently Quentin L. Cook was my father's Stake President while he was attending dental school in San Francisco. The Spirit was so strong and I will never forget some of the messages/teachings/inspiration/personal revelations that I received.

Since my cancer scan results on Friday, I've been pondering on how I should approach life. Without the chemotherapy (Votrient), I feel naked in a way. I feel completely vulnerable to this disease. It was as if the chemo was a blanket or band aid to help me feel like I had something tangible to keep me safe.  Now that, that's gone, I feel... empty. Alone. Determined, but asking "Now what do I do?". I felt like I needed a priesthood blessing, guidance from God, and that somehow, I would receive one after the devotional.

I laughed to myself - maybe Quentin L. Cook could give me a blessing! He's super in-tune with the Spirit, right? He would be able to receive all the inspiration needed to heal me, right? It's almost embarrassing writing this out loud for all to see. I just felt so strongly, that what I needed would be at the devotional.

A lot of the messages focused on marriage, bearing and teaching our children in today's world, and keeping our relationship with God up to date. I really liked the idea from Sister Durham where she talked about how she and her husband would do a weekly check-in with three questions:

1. Where are we in our personal relationships with God?

2. Where are we in our relationship with each other?

3. Where are we with our children - which child needs more attention this week?

They strongly encouraged us to pray and come up with our own questions and not to use theirs specifically. In this day and age, families aren't nearly as patriarchal as they were decades ago - this means that mothers and fathers have the wonderful opportunity to operate and raise their family together as equal partners.

There was a message about how we've been asked to bring children into the world - yes, even in today's upside down world. I believe it was Elder Durham who said that if we follow what prophets have asked us to do, in bringing children into the world, we will always have enough. I have personal testimony of this - it may not have seemed like we've had enough at times, but we've always had what we needed. God will not ask anything of us that is beyond our capacity. He will provide a way if we are obedient to His commandments. Prophets have asked us not to wait to start a family, and I know we have been blessed - exceedingly blessed - because we followed that counsel. If I had not started having children so young, I wouldn't have children. My early chemotherapy treatments have cleared out most of my egg supply. I consider my children to be sweet, tender mercies of the Lord.

The speakers were also very sensitive to those who are unable to have children naturally, and commended their beautiful desires to still live as closely to the commandments as they can.

Hearing Elder Cook bear his personal witness of Christ was one of the coolest things I've ever experienced. There aren't really words to describe how amazing it was.

Elder Durham's story of when he said his wife was extremely ill, they had very young children, and he was getting scans to see if he had cancer, he asked the Lord for help - that he wouldn't have cancer, and that his family would get through this. It hit me so hard - the answer to my questions, the "priesthood blessing" that wasn't a priesthood blessing at all - The Spirit told Elder Durham that if he got his priorities straight, and put the Lord first in all things, family second, then work, that all would work out. I cried. God is so good.

It was very humbling to hear those words. I certainly don't like to think that I'm not doing all that I can to put God first - but it was the hard truth I had to admit. I very much needed to do a priority check.

• Before I go to sleep, and first thing when I wake up, I need to be reaching out to Heavenly Father. Tell him about my day, send prayers of gratitude. This could be better than mindless scrolling on social media.

• Instead of making my prayers a long wish list, ask God what he would have me do instead.

• Again, instead of mindlessly browsing Facebook, or checking my emails, I can pull out my scriptures and study a chapter or two. 

• Instead of planning dinner, movie or other kinds of date nights for the first few weeks of the month, I can plan temple date(s) for the first week. 

• Even if my body is tired or sick, I need to let the Sacrament be my priority on Sunday. I need to put the Lord before myself (within reason, but I find it's easy to come up with excuses to miss church.

When I do these things, everything else seems to follow. I'm more available and capable to serve my children. I'm kinder. I'm more aware of how I can serve others. I have a clearer mindset. I seem to have more time to do the Lord's work and do things I enjoy.

Here's a question for ya: What are you doing in your life right now that puts God first? What can you do better?

My challenge for you readers is to find one thing you can do better in putting the Lord first in your life this week, and practice it! Then journal the things you learned and any blessings you received by doing so and maybe write out how you can make your priorities more in line with what Heavenly Father would have you do. I know that everyone who puts in the effort to do this, will be blessed.

xo - Becky Flo

"And Jesus Wept"

My heart is so heavy today. I did a routine CT scan yesterday, and the images look worse than they did in April of this year. A few new tumors, and a tiny bit of growth from existing tumors. My husband, my oncologist and I came to the conclusion that the chemotherapy I was taking (Votrient) wasn't working. It may not have worked this whole time, and have just been lucky that it's grown super slow this last year and a half. There were a few exceptions of some random fast growing ones that were eventually surgically removed.

I can be mad at God for allowing me to get my hopes up for good results. I can blame myself for not doing enough, for all the missed steps, or if I made a wrong choice somewhere on this journey. I can blame doctors for not knowing everything, for making mistakes.. I can blame all I want, but what good does that do? Sitting in resentment and anger isn't serenity, and isn't serenity the goal?

In reality, God gave me peace up until the moment the doctor walked in and said "they're worse". I have had so much PTSD and "scanxiety" in past where I could barely function as a human being for a whole 7-14 days. It only takes one time to be told that the mass you have in your body is cancerous and be stuck with this fear that for every scan after would be bad. It doesn't help that the statistics for someone with Synovial Sarcoma to survive are very, very low.

Somehow God knew that I'd need to feel safe and calm this last week or so because I'd need time after the results to be strong enough to get through this grieving. There's no point in worrying until there's something to worry about.  I think if I'd been worrying and panicking the last two weeks over scan results, I wouldn't have the energy to fight through this... again. I'd need the strength to be sad but be at peace and ask "What would you have me do today, Lord?" "What have I yet still to learn from this trail, Lord?" For those of you who have trials (which would be all of you reading this), know exactly how hard that is to do.

Within the New Testament, it is noted that even Jesus Christ wept after he was told that Lazarus was dead. He knew everything would be alright in the end, but was still sad. He knew the Father's plan perfectly, but still grieved over his friend. This helps me to allow myself to be sad. Cancer is a terrible disease, I worry about leaving my three little boys behind. The thought of someone having to describe why mama won't wake up again just breaks me. The thought of leaving my sweet, caring husband behind to care for our children and figure out what would be next - strikes me to my core. I'm not worried about death at all - I know that death is not the end. Death sounds wonderful if it means that I would be cancer and pain free for the rest of forever, but I'd sure rather stick it out and continue to be an earthly mother to my children. A wife to my husband. Live a normal, long life.

Expectations are my enemy. Almost every day, I have to go through a process of letting go of any expectations I have for the day and throw them out. If I let go of my plans for my life, I can let God more fully guide me through the beautiful path of life that he has set out for me.  For someone like me who can't see the future and isn't perfect, why would it be better for me to follow how I want to do things? lol. God is the only one who knows all - He is the beginning and the end.  God is perfect and doesn't make mistakes, meaning everything that happens in this life (yes, even cancer) has a purpose. It is our job to find God through those trials, so He can show us the other side of the mountain. If there wasn't pain, there would be no joy.

If we didn't have trials and hardships, we would never grow.. and that's because we have mortal bodies that naturally believe that they know best. Humility is not included in our programming - it is something we have to learn and re-learn every day. 1. We can't 2. He can 3. He will.

We have to let go of our wishes and desires of this life to fully embrace what could be our journey to eternal happiness and exaltation. "This life is the time to prepare to meet God" (Alma 12:24) This life is not the time to live out our fantasies and feel good all the time - we are not entitled to anything. We cannot waste our time here on Earth living out fantasies and worshiping those things that makes us feel good in the moment. Avoiding growth and pain, only drags it out and makes it worse - take this from someone who knows what that's like.

I'd like to think that going through this cancer isn't just for my own growth, even though, I've learned so much over the last three years of battling this beast. Cancer may kill my body, but brought me to Christ, and it is through Him that my soul is saved. Many people have reached out to me to say that my life and living testimony has inspired them, and have strengthened their own testimonies. If it is by the will and power of God that I continue to suffer through this disease to help uplift and serve my brothers and sisters in this life, then I will be happy to do so in the name of our Savior, Jesus Christ.

I feel moved to continue sharing my testimony with all of you in written words, and so, I will as I am inspired to do so.

xo - Becky Flo